Monday, November 17, 2008 - Evening

It's amazing how things can change in just a few hours. Mom will not be getting IVs at home as originally planned. Instead she will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow morning. When I explained to the home health nurse that Mom expected the IV fluids to help her get strong enough for chemotherapy, she felt we needed to talk with the oncologist again. Based on that conversation, Stacy and I approached Mom with her options. 1 - She could have the IV fluids at home, but it would not be enough to strengthen her; 2-She could have hospice come to the house to care for her and she might get stronger but that was very doubtful; 3-she could go to the hospital for IV fluids and nutrition and hope to get strong enough for chemo, but this was extremely unlikely; or 4 - she could go to the hospital for IV fluids and nutrition in order to be strong enough for placement of a feeding tube which might help her get strong enough for chemotherapy.

The oncologist will admit her. During his first visit with her in the hospital, she is to ask him what, if anything, needs to happen for her to be strong enough to get chemo and then what she needs to do to make that happen. Mom said tonight that she is not ready to give up. I told her if that was the case, then she needed to make decisions much quicker than she has been - that she can't wait until the end to decide to do something. She's headed for the edge of the cliff and if she doesn't act now, she may very well not have an opportunity to correct her course in the future.

Stacey suggested she get a laptop computer so she could stay on top of her emails. Would you believe she wants to wait until the sales the Friday after Thanksgiving? I told her I didn't think she would be strong enough by then to stand in line to buy one. She said, "Of course, I won't." At that time Stacey and I told her that we weren't going to stand in the lines either, so she best let us know now which one she wants me to buy her. Even then, she still said she wants to wait a day or two before making up her mind.

We told Mom it was hard to sit by and watch her die. That we wanted to do whatever we could for her. If she wanted to be aggressive with this cancer, then we would be aggressive with her; if she wanted to not fight it, we would try and comfort her and make her as comfortable as we could. We told her we would change course with her as often as she wanted us to, but that she needs to help us clearly know what it is she wants.

Stacey and I also talked about a lot of other things with Mom tonight. We talked about how one becomes comfortable and at peace with dying. That's not an easy conversation for a bunch of amateurs. If you can offer Mom words of wisdom, we'll be happy to pass them on. Someone shared this prayer with me:

Oh, Giver of Life, please have mercy. Your sweet child, she suffers today. In her stead, Lord, I beg and beseech Thee... On her behalf I now humbly pray. In Your tender compassion and mercy, Send angels to stand guard round her bed. Let Your Spirit of Love gently surround her, That Your Presence may draw her instead.