This will probably be my last posting on this blog. We held visitation and a memorial service for Mom last Friday evening at the Union Hill Baptist Church in Holts Summit. Greeting the visitors was a memory table displaying several momentos from Mom's life. Her sister, Margie, put together a beautiful memory board of pictures of Mom. The memorial service was beautiful. Brother Frank Whitney and Mom's brother, Rev. Al Pulis, comforted the family and friends. Mom's friend from church, Leona Wilson, eulogized Mom. It was a very heart-felt message. Saturday, we held visitation and funeral services in Shelbina. The service included eulogies by Mom's youngest daughter, Dodo, and her good friend, Stacey. Mom's brother, Al, and his son and Mom's nephew, Stephen, spoke about Mom's past and her future with God. The ceremony was more a celebration of life than a mourning of the dead. At the gravesite, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren released pink and white balloons while telling Grandma goodbye. Mom was buried next to her middle child, Diane, who was killed by an underaged drunk driver in 1998.
We received so many cards, phone calls, donations to the ABLE program at the local library and many beautiful flowers and plants. Thanks to each and everyone of you for keeping us in your prayers during this most difficult time.
We now face the task of going through Mom's possessions and determining who she would want to have what to remember her by. So far, we have come across some very thought invoking items. She had a book she bought when she was 7. Almost every year, around her birthdate, she was written her name in it. The last time was last year when she turned 71. I was the lucky one to receive that book. We still have lots of boxes to go through, but we are enjoying each of them because they allow us to reminisce even more about Mom.
Thanks for allowing me to blog about my mother's short battle with pancreatic cancer. It has helped me get to know Mom's friends and to now count you as my friends.
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I wanted to add a note here for everyone. I want to thank all of Carol's family for allowing me to be a part of their lives throughout this trying time. I miss you all so much. I miss Carol more than I can put into words. I didn't realize how much she was a part of my life; we talked to each other nearly every day--I guess people do take things for granted. I know this is silly but I called her cell phone Thanksgiving Day;left a message for her. I said I knew she wouldn't get this voicemail but wanted to tell her how much I missed her and was thinking about her. I haven't been able to take her name out of my cell phone list & I have a few things still left at her place,I think because taking it all will mean....well you know......
At this time I only allow fleeting thoughts otherwise it hurts too bad. I know in time it will be easier but for now my hearts aches for my friend that I can no longer call, have dinner with, make fun of, ask questions, make plans, email pictures, fix her email when she's clicked something she wasn't supposed to.......I have had to stop writing this 4 times because I start to cry..... Why am I writing this? Because I need to tell someone...I just need to say these words, for me, for those who knew Carol, for her family who I also miss, for those who have been reading this blog.I need to tell someone how very much I loved Carol, how very much I miss her. I can tell myself and anyone who asks that she's in a better place, she's not suffering, she's this or that....blah blah blah....My brain tells my mouth that says those words....but my heart....God convince my heart that aches without her. Selfish huh? I know that. I do not wish for Carol to be here, not for her but for me....Yeah I'm selfish...I miss her and haven't filled the huge void that I am left with. I didn't even realize how much of my life Carol was a part of, and now how lonely I am without hearing her voice.
Life goes on....day to day life continues for all of us....I can hear Carol saying "Stacey" giving me that look she was so famous for.
"Buck up and move on" she'd say. I'd look back and say "whatever Carol".......Oh we had some fun times.....
Brandi is doing well, she's confined to my room only since my son is so allergic and coming home from college this weekend. She has met Jake my minature schnauzer,she wasn't too impressed she hissed once and Jake now knows his place. She has yet to meet Lucy the pup of the family who would love nothing better than to play with Brandi (or eat her). I don't think I'm ready for that yet! I hate making Brandi stay in one room but for now it works. She howled for several days at first...not meowed but actually howled...It too was heart wrenching....I thought I would never sleep again. She still hogs the bed, lays in my face, wakes me up at night if I've moved her (maybe I'm snoring), but all in all she seems very content now. I think she knows she has now claimed ownership of my room and all belongings that come in contact with my bed.
I feel close to Carol when I'm with Brandi--dangit, I think Carol did this on purpose, she knows I'm a dog person not a cat person---she's probably smiling every night as Brandi lays on top of me while I am attempting to read.....
I'm better now....just needed to say a few words........
To my adopted family....hugs and kisses to you all.....and please open the door to this closet, I'm getting really tired of being treated this way!!! XO Stacey
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